Giving or receiving orders, taking control, being reduced to a role, or receiving all the attention: we may enjoy imagining these situations without wanting to experience them.
The content of a fantasy alone isn’t enough to explain its meaning. To understand what draws us to it, we can examine the emotions the scenario evokes, the context in which we imagine it, and the boundaries we wish to maintain. And if we want to talk to someone about it, the conversation begins long before any potential act takes place.
An Imagined Scene Is Not Necessarily a Plan
The imagination can bring together elements that, in reality, would not suit us. A review of research on sexual fantasies points out that the content of these fantasies does not necessarily correspond to people’s interests or behaviors. Fantasizing about submission, therefore, does not mean wanting to lose one’s autonomy; imagining a dominant role does not prove that one seeks to control others in everyday life.
This distinction also applies to scenarios that may be unsettling. An erotic thought is never the same as giving consent to another person. It may accompany a real desire or remain merely an image without any intention of acting on it. Imagining a scene does not give you the right to impose it on someone else. It is sometimes more accurate to ask, “What do I like about this scene?” rather than “What does this fantasy say about me?”
Even in the same role, we aren’t all looking for the same thing
In a domination fantasy, one might enjoy taking the initiative, paying attention to the other person, or being more direct. Passivity may stem from a desire to let go of decision-making for a moment, from trust placed in a specific person, or from the pleasure of being desired. A fantasy of objectification may highlight the other person’s gaze; a caregiving scenario, the possibility of receiving attention without having to ask for it. These are interpretive perspectives, not literal translations.
We must also avoid seeing every fantasy as a sign of damaged self-esteem. In two studies involving students at an American university, Hawley and Hensley explored the appeal and possible meanings of forced submission scenarios. In their discussion, they highlight the limitations of these scenarios and the importance of the meaning each person attributes to them. These results do not allow us to infer a person’s background or personality from an isolated scenario.
One might wonder what appeals to people in such a scene: letting go, being chosen, being seen, setting the rules, or receiving attention. The same person may respond differently depending on the moment. They may also not be looking for any hidden meaning.
You can fantasize about domination and still want an egalitarian relationship
The imagined role does not establish any hierarchy for life together. You can enjoy a scene of control and still want a very egalitarian relationship; you can love being led while firmly holding onto your boundaries. The scenario never exempts you from listening to what each person wants outside of the scene.
If a partner shares a fantasy, welcoming their confidence without assuming their intentions helps keep the conversation open. “What attracts you to that?” leaves more room for their response than “So you want me to do that?” The other person may simply be seeking to be heard without suggesting that the fantasy be acted out. Sharing a fantasy doesn’t obligate anyone to act on it.
Talking About It Without Turning the Confidence Into a Request
You can start by distinguishing between three things: what you like to imagine, what you’d be curious to explore together, and what you’d consider putting into practice. For each concrete idea, boundaries matter just as much as desire: who would be present, what actions would be off-limits, and how could the situation be stopped? A “no” or a “not now” can end the discussion without needing further explanation.
In practices involving power play, the consent of those involved must be free and informed. A review on consent in BDSM emphasizes negotiation and the difference between a consensual activity and abuse. This consent must be explicit and can be withdrawn at any time; this withdrawal must be respected, even when the scene simulates passivity or a lack of choice. Prior negotiation does not preclude violations of consent. Our article on pornography and consent reminds us that a scene does not reveal the agreements negotiated off-camera.
If a fantasy is causing concern, one can choose to discuss it with a healthcare professional. The fantasy itself, on its own, does not allow for a clinical conclusion to be drawn.
In a few words
A fantasy can involve power, attention, or self-image without necessarily corresponding to a situation one actually wants to experience. Any meaning it may have belongs first and foremost to the person who imagines it. One may simply wish to talk about it. If putting it into practice is suggested, everyone remains free to refuse.
