A sex toy sitting on the nightstand can spark desire, laughter, or concern: “Am I not enough for you anymore?” If that question comes up, it’s best to address it before discussing power or autonomy. Introducing a toy into a relationship starts with a conversation where each person can express what turns them on, what makes them uncomfortable, and what they don’t want to try.
Talking About It Without Making Your Partner Feel Like They’re in Competition
Suggesting an accessory can come across as a criticism. To avoid this misunderstanding, start by explaining your specific desire: to discover an item together, to share something you both already enjoy, or simply to explore the possibilities. Comparisons to an ex, a video, or the features promised on a product page don’t do much to make someone feel desired.
If your partner fears being replaced, let them explain what’s worrying them. You can talk about what you love about your time together, without promising that a purchase will solve a problem. The toy has nothing to prove about the quality of your relationship. It can remain a personal desire, become a shared item, or never even come out of the box.
Also avoid surprise gifts that come with expectations for that very evening. Looking at an object together leaves more room for a genuine reaction than an already-opened package.
Decide Together on Boundaries and Control
Consent is freely given and can be withdrawn at any time, as QuestionSexualité reminds us. An agreement to buy does not equate to an agreement to use, and a first experience creates no obligation for the next one.
Before trying it out, agree on what works for you both and who will be in control. Agree on a safe word or a stop signal that’s easy to understand. Handing over a remote control never means giving up control of your body. The person using the toy must be able to ask for it to stop and have it stopped immediately; the other person can also interrupt the experience.
There’s no need for a complicated contract. Knowing how to say “less,” “do it differently,” or “stop” matters more than sticking to a preplanned scenario. If one of you hesitates or isn’t in the mood, set the idea aside without trying to negotiate their consent.
Start with a simple trial
Choose a low setting when the model allows it, then adjust it at the other person’s request. During foreplay, keep the toy on only if its presence feels right to you. For any penetration, decide together whether to keep it on or set it aside: its shape might hinder movement, and you’re under no obligation to combine everything. This first trial is meant to help you discover your preferences, with no expected outcome.
Choosing an Item for a Specific Desire
Start by deciding on the type of item you’d like to explore and setting a budget that works for both of you. A compact design, a remote control, and a different external mechanism don’t all fulfill the same desire. The three items listed below illustrate these choices; they are not ranked.
Affiliate links: We may earn a commission if you make a purchase through the links to Les Caprices d’Alice. This selection is based on the advertised features, without any hands-on testing by our editorial team. Prices listed as of September 11, 2026, and subject to change; please verify the price and availability before ordering.
Mini Coco Puissante: a compact external model
For your first shared toy, you might prefer a model that fits comfortably in your hand and has easily accessible controls. The person using it sets the pace of exploration and can guide their partner, without having to follow a set program.
The Mini Coco is an external clitoral stimulator with pulsating airflow. Ideal if you’re primarily looking for a small size, it measures 8.8 × 4.3 cm according to the product description. Its “+” and “−” buttons let you adjust the settings; it recharges via USB. Its appeal lies in its compact size, though there’s no guarantee that a particular function will appeal to you. No remote control is included with this model: it’s not designed for those who want to hand over control from a distance.
INTENSE Jan: Sharing Control
A remote control might interest you if you’d like to let your partner adjust the settings. First, agree on how to adjust and stop the settings. The element of surprise is only appropriate within the limits you’ve discussed, in a private setting where no one else is involved.
The INTENSE Jan is a remote-controlled vibrating egg. Ideal if you want to separate the device from its controls, it offers ten advertised modes and recharges via USB. The remote control allows your partner to adjust the settings. However, you’ll need two AAA batteries (not included) for the remote. Our editorial team has not tested the sensations, ease of use, or range: familiarize yourself with how it works and read the instructions before use.
LELO Ora 3: Another External Mechanism
You may also want to stick to your usual routine and occasionally add an accessory during an intimate moment. Its presence doesn’t require you to proceed to penetration, nor does it need to be combined with it. If you do wish to do so, make sure its shape feels comfortable and that it doesn’t hinder your movements. There’s no need to combine everything on your first try.
The LELO Ora 3 is an external clitoral stimulator featuring a rotating tip. Ideal if you want to explore its circular motions, it offers twelve modes and intensity settings described in the user manual. It is held and controlled by hand. It’s more expensive than the two previous models; this price difference doesn’t necessarily indicate which one you’ll prefer. The user manual also notes that silicone-based lubricants can damage its surface: be sure to follow the compatibility guidelines provided.
Plan for maintenance before storing the toy
Read the model’s instruction manual for information on lubricants, cleaning, and any immersion restrictions. A material or brand name alone is not sufficient to determine a cleaning method that applies to all toys. The LELO Ora 3 instruction manual specifies that this model should be cleaned before and after use, dried, and stored in a dust-free place.
Regarding sharing, the CDC recommends not sharing toys; if they are shared, use a new cover whenever possible and clean them thoroughly after use. Check the user manual to see how these precautions apply to this specific model; the same cover or method may not necessarily be suitable for all three devices.
If you experience pain or irritation, stop. Increasing the intensity or pushing through to get your money’s worth is not the goal. Your first try may be brief, awkward, or disappointing; you don’t have to have a story to tell afterward.
In a few words
After trying it out, say what you’d like to do again, change, or stop doing. Also ask if the way the requests were made and carried out was appropriate. Even if bought together, a sex toy can ultimately remain a personal item or be put away. The decision on when to use it next is made anew, without feeling obligated by the price paid or the other person’s enthusiasm.
