It sometimes takes time to put a name to pain that occurs during or after sex. The conversation might come up in the middle of intimacy, the next day, or after several instances. It opens an essential conversation, but it doesn’t solve everything. Active listening becomes meaningful when pain changes the course of what’s happening, can be described without being downplayed, and leads, if necessary, to a professional. This approach protects consent and restores space for a sexuality based on choice.
Sexual Dysfunctions: Statistics That Go Beyond Pain
Pain may be felt during intercourse, sometimes deeper in the pelvis. The term dyspareunia refers to painful intercourse, without specifying its cause.
In the final population for the analysis of sexual dysfunction from CSF-2023, Santé publique France studied 9,118 adults aged 18 to 89 who had been sexually active within the past year. Among them, 36.4% of women and 18.9% of men reported at least one sexual dysfunction that had persisted for more than six months; 21.2% of women and 10.9% of men reported a difficulty that caused distress. These figures combine several disorders and therefore do not measure pain alone. Nevertheless, they show why sexual health deserves a place within overall health, as we explained in our analysis of the CSF-2023 survey.
When Pain Is Voiced, We Stop
In a relationship, the first helpful response can be summed up in a few words: “Let’s stop.” Continuing so as not to disappoint, finishing “anyway,” or immediately negotiating a different position reduces the person’s words to mere information. Listening means stopping the painful action, removing all pressure, and letting the person decide what happens next. What happens next might be another form of intimacy, a moment of tenderness, or no contact at all. It doesn’t have to make up for the interrupted act.
The conversation will become more specific later, outside the sexual context. Certain phrasing avoids an interrogative tone: “What would help you right now?”, “Would you like to talk about this again tomorrow?”, “Would you like me to go with you to an appointment?” The partner can offer support without making a diagnosis or insisting on a consultation.
Before looking for a cause, describe the pain precisely
Recurring or concerning pain deserves a concrete description. Before an appointment, a few details can help:
- the exact location and the moment it begins;
- the sensation (burning, pulling, dull ache, sharp pain) and its intensity;
- its duration, frequency, and progression;
- any connection to your menstrual cycle, a specific position, physical contact, or the use of a product;
- associated symptoms: bleeding, unusual discharge, irritation, fever, pain when urinating, or pelvic pain;
- recent changes in treatment, birth control, health, or sexual activity.
This list is meant to help you describe your experience, not to diagnose a condition based on information found online. The same sensation can have different causes.
The Same Pain Can Have Several Causes
Among the possible causes, the French National Health Insurance (Assurance Maladie) lists vaginal infections or inflammation, which may be accompanied by pain during intercourse. Deep pain can also be one of the symptoms of endometriosis. Certain sexually transmitted infections can cause dyspareunia, sometimes accompanied by vaginal discharge or a burning sensation when urinating. This list is neither exhaustive nor sufficient to identify a cause.
The diversity of these situations means you shouldn’t jump to conclusions on your own—talk to a professional instead. Stress, sexual desire, or relationship issues shouldn’t be automatically considered the sole explanation. A physical cause doesn’t negate its emotional or relational effects: your experience deserves to be heard in its entirety.
Consent Continues Throughout the Consultation
A primary care physician, midwife, or gynecologist may be the first point of contact, depending on the situation and the individual involved. The public directory at QuestionSexualité lists sexual health centers and CeGIDD centers, among others. A healthcare professional can then refer you to a specialist if the evaluation warrants it.
During the consultation, you can ask what the professional is looking for, why a test is being recommended, and what the possible next steps are. Report any pain you feel during the discussion or examination. The right to clear information and informed consent allows you to participate in healthcare decisions.
Certain symptoms warrant immediate medical attention
The French National Health Insurance (Assurance Maladie) recommends seeking medical care if you experience pain during sexual intercourse accompanied by unusual discharge, a burning sensation when urinating, or a fever. Heavy vaginal bleeding accompanied by discomfort or severe weakness, or vaginal bleeding associated with a fever, warrants an urgent gynecological consultation or a call to 15. These examples are not a substitute for a professional assessment of the situation.
Support Means Believing Without Making Decisions for the Other Person
No conversation guarantees an immediate answer. The listener can believe the story being told, respect the decisions made, and offer support without becoming a rescuer or an interrogator. This allows the person in distress to seek appropriate help without the couple trying to resolve on their own an issue that also involves health concerns.
In a few words
Truly listening does not promise an instant diagnosis or an immediate return to a healthy sex life. It offers a simpler guideline: no one should have to continue a painful relationship just to reassure the other person, and seeking professional help does not betray the couple’s intimacy.
